Mothering the Mother

Welcoming Phoebe

Phoebe Elaine Hoetker
Born June 17, 2008, 11:48 a.m.
French Hospital, San Luis Obispo, CA
8 lbs, 2 oz., 20" long

The story of Phoebe's birth is told by her mama, Meghan:

My due date was June 8 (or 9, depending on who you ask) and my last appointment with the midwife was Thursday June 12, at which I was told that if I didn't have the baby before my next appointment they were going to schedule an induction for the following week.

I was not at all happy about this. I firmly believe babies know when they are ready to arrive and I believe that a woman's body will do what it needs to do when the time is right.

The baby wasn't in any kind of distress, the heart rate was fine, my blood pressure was still nice and normal, I was feeling fine and I didn't see any need to induce.

So that weekend, I committed to drinking gallons of Raspberry Leaf tea.

One of my best friends is a doctor and has -- therefore -- gone to medical school. She recommended I drink raspberry leaf tea to help with labor and she texted me regularly "Drink raspberry leaf tea! I am telling you!".

The women at the local health food store knew me because I had gone in 3 separate times to buy boxes of it. One of them said "Maybe your baby wants to be a Cancer and not a Gemini".

I am not making this up.

It was hot in June, so I made iced tea.

And drank an entire box worth on Saturday the 14th, the day before Father's day.

When I woke up on Sunday around 7:30 and went to the bathroom, there was a little bit of blood and I felt slight cramping and, well, had to use the bathroom as if I'd eaten curry the night before.

This is the body's way of "making room" for the baby, so I knew it was time.

I went back to bed, excited, but not wanting to wake up Geoff because I knew it would probably take awhile and we both needed our rest. He woke up around 8 and I told him what was happening and we just sort of laid there in bed for awhile, really quiet, with the heaviness of what was happening sort of blanketing the room.

At 9:30 I called Connie (our doula) to give her a "heads up" and she asked me about my contractions and told me to rest and treat it as much as a normal day as I could and to call her that night.

I thought "If this is contractions, I can do these ALL DAY LONG!"

Luckily for me, I got my wish.

Geoff and I decided to take a nap because, again, we knew it could take a long time and we also knew we needed to rest as much as possible.

So we slept until around lunchtime, and when I woke up I was absolutely CRAVING three things:

1. Fried chicken
2. Mashed potatoes and gravy
3. Nachos

I mean, I can't tell you how hungry I was. I was STARVING. My body was telling me "You better get some calories in your system NOW because it's gonna be a LONG road".

Geoff went to get Kentucky Fried Chicken (btw, I normally don't care for fried chicken ... I'm more of a "nuggets" type of gal) and nachos and I devoured them.

And we watched movies all day while I sat in the leather recliner and drank lots of water and just waited.

At 9 o'clock that night, I called Connie to tell her the contractions were feeling stronger, like period cramps, but I was going to sleep and she told me to call her if I started to have to "pay attention" to them.

I slept about 2 hours and at 11 p.m. was woken up in pain.

This began my journey to a place where time did not exist. The only reason I know times from here on out is it was either memorable (such as when Phoebe was born) or because I am looking at the journal our doula gave me.

I tried not to wake up Geoff, but when you are in pain there's not a lot you can do to muffle the sounds. I moaned and breathed out and tried to remember all the "helpful" things I'd read about in my books, such as "Some women orgasm during labor!".

They are all liars. All. Of. Them.

And I remembered the scene in "Baby Momma" where the girl goes "It feels like I'm shittin' knives!" and thought "That is the most accurate description of a contraction I've ever seen in my life."

The worst part is I could feel them coming. They build like waves. They start small, and go up to a peak and then diminish slowly.

They were coming hard, fast and excruciating. Like the worst period cramps of my life.

Geoff woke up and decided to time them.

He was asking me questions and I was like "I'm sorry, Meghan is not here right now so you're gonna have to be on your own for awhile".

They were a minute apart. And lasted 2 minutes each.

Again -- I had zero concept of time at this point. I had no idea if they were 5 seconds or 5 years although if you had to ask me at the time, I would have erred more toward 5 years than 5 seconds.

So Geoff called Connie at 12:40 because I was not really capable of making coherent words at that point beyond "SHHHHHH" because any noise was distracting me from the task at hand.

I was shaking and felt like I might throw up and couldn't get comfortable.

Connie and I decided we should go to the hospital.

We got settled into a room around 1 a.m.

There was no tub room available at French, which was disappointing, to say the least. But I was happy we had a room at French because I really preferred its "small hospital" atmosphere.

We also got the Nurse From Hell whose name I won't even mention because maybe she was having a bad night. I don't know.

I handed her my birth plan, and she scanned it (which included things like "no constant fetal monitoring, no needles" etc) and she said "Lay down on the bed and I'm going to wrap these monitors around you to get the baby's heartbeat and your contractions.

I was like "I do not want to lay down because that hurts" and she said "You need to do it".

My contractions slowed down considerably at this point.

I was first checked at 1:50 a.m. and was only 1-2 cm dilated (hint: you need to be 10 cm dilated to let the baby out of the uterus). But I was 90% effaced, so that was good news.

I was discouraged, however, because I thought "Wait, I've been in THIS MUCH PAIN and this is all I've got to show for it!?!?"

We walked the halls for 2 hours, drank lots of water (I brought Smart Water from home in my "hospital bag", as a present for myself) and the nurse checked me again.

I was 2-3 cm and I think she was being generous.

I laid down on the bed. This was 4:40 a.m. in the morning.

Mean Nurse came in with paperwork. "Why are you here today?" Mandatory stuff. "HELLO! I'M HOPING TO HAVE A BABY AT SOME POINT!"

She asked me to describe my pain on a scale of 1 - 10 and I said it varied between 6 and 9 depending on the contraction (they are not all created equal).

I refused bloodwork and IV antibiotics.

I have a heart problem which could be deadly if I get an infection, so I have to take antibiotics whenever I have anything "done", such as going to the dentist, etc. I knew I could take them via mouth as I'd asked my cardiologist about it and he said that should be fine.

Mean Nurse did NOT like this AT ALL.

I was frustrated.

I wanted a home birth.

And I was so annoyed with "the system".

More contractions and we ate some Wheat Thins, snuck into the hospital in Geoff's bag.

More walking around the halls of the hospital.

At 7 a.m. a new nurse arrived. Her name is Ronda. Ronda is a goddess.

At 7:20 I got in the shower, which was the best feeling of my entire life. I felt like I could relax and the pain wasn't as sharp in the shower. The hot water felt amazing.

Breakfast arrived shortly thereafter, but I couldn't imagine eating. Geoff ate some of it.

At 7:48 Ronda took the baby's heart rate with a doppler while I was in the shower. Going strong still.

Oh I loved the hot shower. It never ran out of hot water. I thought about all the women in labor who don't have access to hot water and I felt sorry for them.

I could have stayed in the shower forever.

At 8:20 contractions slowed a bit and were less intense.

I rested in bed for 20 minutes and went back in the shower for another 30 minutes. Doppler in the shower showed baby's heartbeat still going strong and doing great.

At 10:10 a.m., Ronda checked me and I was still 2-3 cm and the baby was still really really high.

I didn't want to risk losing our room at French because they were full and I really wanted to have the baby there, but we discussed options a little while, such as going home.

At 10:45 I started crying. I was frustrated. I'd been working so hard. Nothing was happening. I could see that Geoff was exhausted and Connie was holding on to stay awake for me. I was hurting and there seemed to be no progress.

I was afraid of what kind of intervention the hospital would require if the baby didn't come soon. I didn't want a c-section, and I felt like here I was doing everything I could and nothing was happening the way it was supposed to.

At 11 a.m. (we're at the 12 hour mark now, folks!), Ronda checked baby again and baby was moving a lot with a strong heartbeat.

I rested for 45 minutes in bed, wetting the bed 3 times. I didn't want to move. I was so exhausted. I'd never been more tired.

At 12 noon, I had some tea with honey, which was amazing, but some vanilla pudding changed my life. It was the best pudding I'd ever had in my life.

Lunch arrived and I told Geoff to eat it. I couldn't handle food.

At 12:30, I found the best place for laboring -- sitting on the edge of the bed, feet dangling off, moving my head from side to side and just exhaling and moaning with each exhale. It felt great. I could have done it for hours.

At 2:30 p.m., we got a new nurse, Gina, and I was still on the bed.

It felt like I'd been on the bed like that for 10 minutes. I can't believe -- looking back -- that it was 2 hours.

Contractions were coming. Every 10 minutes.

At 3:30 p.m. I wanted some broth. Baby was doing great -- moving around, strong heartbeat, totally enjoying herself.

At 4 p.m. when the broth came, Connie, Geoff and I had a meeting to discuss options if we find out I haven't dilated anymore. I was exhausted, but afraid contractions would stop and then what?

I had more pudding. Chocolate.

At 4:25 I decided to be checked again and to make a decision.

At 4:45 when Gina checked me, she said she could ask my doctor to prescribe a sleeping pill so I could go home and rest.

At 4:45, I wanted to kiss a female nurse on the mouth because that was the most amazing news of my life.

I was still at 2-3 cm so I decided "Yep, we're going home".

At 5:25, I was happy with my decision, I had my sleeping pill and we said goodbye to Connie in the parking lot.

The funny part was I had to take the pill at the hospital because they didn't want me giving it to anyone else.

I would not have sold that pill to anyone for $700 billion. Nobody. I would have killed someone if they tried to take it away from me.

My mom was waiting for us at our place because she had made food for us and wanted to meet the baby at the hospital and all. She drove all the way from Bakersfield and, sorry, nothing.

I ate some of her homemade shrimp fried rice (best of my life) and went to bed.

I slept from 6:15 to around 10 p.m.

At 1 a.m. the contractions returned with a vengeance.

I took a warm bath, rested, tried to stay home as long as possible (but meanwhile was dying to know how dilated I was) and called Connie at 5:21 a.m.

At that time, I felt like I needed to poop, but knew that had to be impossible since I'd barely eaten anything.

I was in agony and told Connie "Well, maybe I could have a Stadol or something, you know, something minor to help with the pain".

Connie ignored this (as I had asked her to do months before that moment) and she asked if we were ready to go to the hospital again. I asked her to call French and see if they had rooms, because that was important to me.

At 6:39 a.m. a tub room was available at French Hospital.

We met Connie at the hospital at 7:20 a.m. and and our new room was gigantic and had a tub! Sadly, it did not also have a shower.

At 7:55 Nurse Nancy checked me and I was at 6-7 cm dilated.

This was the happiest moment of my life.

Nancy discovered there was a bulging bag of waters, meaning baby's head wasn't putting pressure on my cervix (like it's supposed to do to help move things along).

There was also some "old meconium" that came out, so the water had broken, but it couldn't come out because the baby's head was acting like a plug keeping most of it in.

When I stood up after being checked, my water broke.

I started lunging with my foot on a chair to help the baby move down. Nurse Nancy wanted to see some accelerated heart rates on the baby monitor before I was allowed into the tub.

I had a few bites of pudding. I was on the bed, on my knees.

At 8:50 a.m. I was still keeping hydrated by Connie (Chief Water Pusher) and I tried leaning on the ball and standing.

Contractions were definitely stronger.

At 8:53, Nancy checked baby's heart rate, but baby was not being reactive and I was so tired of being in bed.

Contractions in bed are excruciating. The worst. They are MUCH better standing up or walking or even sitting. Laying down is the worst position and I had to stay there and bear it so I could be granted permission into the tub.

Connie was feeding me pudding to get some sugar into my system to get baby's heart rate up.

At 9:36 a.m. I was 8 cm dilated. Almost there! Baby's head was on the cervix, doing its job. Nancy got the heart tone she wanted.

At 9:53 I got into the tub, which was the greatest feeling of my life.

Contractions were coming, but they were "softened" by the warm water.

At 10:03 Nancy checked baby's heart with a doppler while I was in the tub, and everything was great.

At this point I had been completely naked in front of 2 strangers for half an hour and did not give one whit.

At 10:18, I said "I feel like I have to poop" and started feeling the urge to push. Exactly like the feeling when you have diarrhea - that NEED to push and PRAY that something comes out.

I was grunting so loud because -- my God -- I had to PUSH. Nurse Nancy checked me and said there was still a little bit of cervix in the way of the baby's head (which is bad to push against because the cervix can swell and then the baby definitely won't come out) so I tried so hard not to push. Trying not to push made me shake and grit my teeth.

I got out of the water and onto the bed.

At 10:50 a.m., it was okay to push through the peak of the contraction and I got on my knees on the bed (backwards from the normal way you see in movies and on tv -- my arms up on the "headrest" part) and it felt great. With each push, there was more meconium.

The room was dark and peaceful.

Nobody was making noise except the constant murmuring of Connie and Geoff telling me "You're doing great. Here, drink more water."

Connie helped put my hair in a ponytail because it had gotten loose and was in my sweaty face.

Joanne, the midwife, was in the room now and was just watching and waiting.

The room was totally quiet.

At 11:32, Joanne suggested I move to a squatting position, supporting myself on Geoff's legs while he sat in a chair behind me. The baby moved WAY down. Joanne was on her knees in front of me.

At 11:37 a.m., I touched the baby's head.

This is really happening.

I stood up to take a break from squatting, and got down again.

With each contraction I pushed with all my might, bringing my chin to my chest, holding my breath, listening to Connie, Joanne, Geoff and everyone in the room whispering "You can do this, your baby is almost here".

At 11:48 a.m., our baby was born with no drugs. No needles. No unnecessary intervention.

I did it.

Oh my God, I did it.

I can do anything.

Joanne cut her cord and put her in my arms while I was still squatting on the ground with Geoff behind me, and I said:

"It's a girl! It's a girl! Oh my God! She's beautiful, Geoff!"

It's a girl.

Home Birth: Big Brother Cuts the Cord

This story is told by Meadow Gibbons:

Irene Amara Willow Hunter
September 18th, 2007, 10:30pm, at our home in Santa Cruz

I thought I lost my mucus plug around 3:30am on Monday the 17th. I looked through a pregnancy book to make sure and went back to bed. I began to have mild contractions which continued throughout the day. I went to a neighbor's party for her daughter's 1st birthday and everyone there was so excited and surprised to see me there in early labor.

I spent the night sleeping relatively well and gradually the contractions came more often. I called my midwife's assistant in the morning to let her know I had started having contractions. She came over in the late morning and I spent the day in bed alone (as I wanted it) with her and my husband checking in on me. I felt calm for the most part, but a little nervous - I knew there was no going back!

In the late morning, my contractions gradually began to become more intense and by the evening I was active labor. My midwife's assistant suggested I take a walk to help me progress, but I opted to sit out on my back porch and take in the fresh air under the dusky sky. Shortly thereafter my contractions really kicked in. My midwife arrived and I soon started to push. After about 45 minutes, my baby arrived. My husband, two best friends and my stepson were all present. I was so ready to be done with the pushing and to see my baby. My back was hurting and I was tired. Someone mentioned they could see hair. The excitement and awe were palpable as I pushed. "It's a girl!" The words were surreal. I was totally overwhelmed. My baby girl was placed directly on my chest. Purple and wet and furry! WOW!

My husband and I laid there with her and then my stepson cut her cord. I spent the night on the couch cuddling her and attempting to nurse. I thought at that time that her birth was so much less frightening and painful than I had prepared for. I was (and am still) so thankful for my peaceful birth of Irene.

A Home Birth Under the Redwoods

This story is told by Kylie Kelly:

Sage Elizabeth Kelly
born 5/15/08 11:23 am, at home, under the redwoods
7 lb 4 oz 20 in.


Our story began at about 1:20 am on Thursday when my water broke.  When we saw that the fluids were clear, we thought we would have some time to go back to bed.  But within an hour or so the contractions started and from the beginning, they were strong.

We called our midwives (Kate and Rox) at around 5 am, as by this time the contractions had been coming regularly for some time.  Our midwife’s assistant, Kelly, came first, and was shortly followed by Kate.  There was never any “down-time” between the contractions,  and I was able to breathe my way through them.  I spent most of this phase of labor on the toilet (not how I pictured things!).   Although the contractions were tough, I felt calm and capable.

At about 8:30 that morning, it was time to push.  This proved to be harder for me than enduring the contractions.  It took me several pushes just to get the hang of how to do it.  I tried many different positions (hands and knees, on my side, on my back holding my knees, etc).  In between pushes, the baby’s head was out more and more and this was very painful and did not allow any rest in between pushes.  Feeling the baby’s head with my hand and seeing the head with a mirror really kept me going.  Our baby finally came out at 11:23 Thursday morning when I was sitting on the birthing stool.  

We were so overjoyed that several minutes passed before we looked to see if she was a little boy or girl.  She wa a beautiful baby girl that we named Sage Elizabeth Kelly.  She came in at 7 pounds 4 ounces and 20 inches long.

The next part became our “unexpected challenge.”  When Kate examined me she felt blood clots in my uterus.  Kate reached in with her hands and pulled them out.  This was excruciating!  This only took 15 to 20 seconds, and we are grateful that Kate was able to handle this smoothly, but in our minds, it is very memorable part of the story.

Kelly and Kate were fantastic and gave us exactly the type of support we needed for the labor.  We also had a good friend attend, and her presence too was very much appreciated.  Although Kate described our birth story as “delightful” and we agree, it was really hard work from beginning to end, but also amazingly empowering.  

We are giving thanks for this amazing experience.  I felt physically sore but we understood that was to be expected for a few days.  Mike was sore too, as I really clung to him both physically and spiritually.  At the first moment we layed eyes on her, we knew that she was a healthy babe, and she has continued to thrive.  Within 30 minutes of her arrival she had a great latch and breastfeeding went well.  She loved being swaddled and cuddled.  By the way, she also has red hair and the brightest blue eyes we have ever seen, and eight months later we still think she is just a love.

A First-Time Home Birth Story

The following is my own birth story:

Nia Beju Stearns
Born Tuesday, May 20th, 11:39pm at home with the help of midwife Roxanne Cummings and assistant Kelly Olmstead
8 lbs, just shy of 21" long

Our birth story begins with our Tuesday afternoon prenatal appointment with Roxanne. We requested a cervical exam and found, to our delight, that our little one's head was quite low, the cervix was posterior and quite effaced, and it was 1 cm dilated -- all of this was a HUGE change over the week prior when all signs seemed to indicate the baby was sitting tight for awhile. In fact, Joe and I felt sure our little one was going to be a June baby! (I suppose this was her first lesson to us in not planning or pretending to know too much!)

At the time of the appointment I was not feeling any contractions, though had felt that the Braxton Hicks were getting a bit stronger, and starting to be felt mildly in my back (though by no means were they getting my attention really). Nonetheless, Joe and I were very excited at the findings of the appointment and were happy that our baby was on her way. Still we had no idea how soon.

So, Joe went off to work 45 minutes away and I came home to what I realize in retrospect was some pretty intense nesting -- I scrubbed our two 8' wide sliding glass doors and made out a list of several errands to run before the evening prenatal yoga class (including, randomly, washing the car!). After the cleaning, I sat down to a snack and to chat on the phone with my dad. Shortly after sitting down I felt a jolt in my belly -- a sensation I can only describe as a water balloon popping inside. It wasn't painful at all but definitely got my attention. There was no liquid right away but after walking around a bit, my underwear was soaked. This was at 4pm.

Kelly, the midwives' assistant, came over soon after to confirm whether the fluid was amniotic or not. It was. As I was not feeling any contractions at that point, Kelly and I discussed methods for getting labor going (a walk involving stairs, acupuncture, etc.). I had tested posted for Group B Strep so it was important that my labor start within 18 hours for me to be able to deliver at home. She said that if labor hadn't started by 9pm, I should get a good night's rest and then we'd try again in the morning.

Kelly left and Joe headed home from work to help me get the contractions started. However, by the time Joe got to our home, at 5:16 (he remembers the time exactly!), I was in active labor! It just came on strong and almost out of the blue. So much for all our plans of early labor projects (making up the bed to be water proof, setting up the birth tub in the living room, baking a birthday cake...)!

My labor was quick (7 hours, 40 min from when the water broke). Because of this, the challenge of the labor for me was that I got very little breaks between the contractions. The things that worked for me in staying on top of the contractions were laboring on the toilet and then in the birth tub, using my voice and hearing Joe sound along with me, and having pressure on my sacrum. The water and using my voice along with Joe's were the biggest helps, though.

I moaned a long, low "Ohhhhhh" during each and every one of my contractions -- as long, low and loud as I needed to. Sometimes I had to do it four times with all the breath I had to get through as a lot of my contractions were 90 seconds long, and then they were coming two right back to back with very little break in between. This low "Oh" sound was the most effective way to keep my mind from freaking out and analyzing the pain and going to a "why me?" state of mind. The theory is, too, that it is impossible to dilate a cervix with a tight jaw, so making the Oh sound keep my mouth loose and directed the energy down.

I had to have Joe do the sounds with me on each and every contraction. His voice kept me centered on my own voice, and also a lot of the time I had my head on his chest and the vibration of his voice was very grounding. My niece, Zomina, was here during the labor, upstairs with her mom and my in-laws. When she arrived, she heard Joe & I doing this Oh sound together and asked her mom, "What song are they signing?" The next day I told her it was the "Opening Song."

I pushed for approx. 1 hour before our little angel was born on the birth stool at 11:40pm, as healthy as could be. I tried a couple of positions on the bed, but found the most effective place for me was on the stool. I tore a little and needed a few stitches, but nothing bad. Within the first hour, Nia nursed and the three of us were just high as kites. I don't think Joe and I managed to fall asleep till well past 4am!

Tell Me A *Positive* Birth Story

Have you noticed that there is an epidemic of telling horror birth stories?

These horror stories are in movies & on TV (TLC's Baby Story, Season 3 of Grey's Anatomy) but also told to pregnant women by strangers, friends, and family -- often unsolicited. The traditional baby shower seems to be a favorite place to tell horror birth stories.

When I was 6 months pregnant a mother of two young children said to me, "Birth is like a car crash, only you don't know when it is going to happen."

Why do women do this to each other??

We need to actively send positive stories into our society to combat these fear-inducers. I' d like this blog to be a gathering place for positive birth stories & photos.

I want to clarify: I don't mean only home births, and I don't mean only vaginal births. I simply mean birth stories that are not told with the purpose of scaring soon-to-be-moms or for boasting your "battle scars." Every birth story can be told positively. It is just in the telling. And every pregnant woman needs to hear these.

Tell me your positive birth story. Let's make a collection that pregnant women can read and feel empowered and excited about as they anticipate the birth of their child.

-- Send me your story via email (along with a picture of your child, either during birth or any time after): jjunebugg149@yahoo.com

-- Start with the end: Begin your story with your child's name, birth day & time, location of birth (home, hospital, birth center, etc), and any other statistics you wish to include

-- Tell your story