I [Heart] My Life

Cancer Treatment Journal: One Third Done: No. More. Chemo. (!)

You know that feeling when a final exam you've been dreading is F.I.N.A.L.L.Y under your belt?

The relief and euphoria that washes over you?

How you want to tell everyone?

I had that feeling this week when I had my final dose of FEC. Phew! Woo hoo!

I can't really convey the relief to be done with this phase of my cancer treatment. Chemo has been do-able, but a bitch, nonetheless. Of course, I just got my treatment on Wednesday so now I'm dealing with the fatigue and nausea, but whatever. To know this is my last trip down this particular road is thrilling!

Joe was with me all through my treatment and when I came home, I found this surprise on the piano:

Banner & goodies from the Kuntzmann-Valdez clan, and beautiful Farmers' Market flowers (Love Lies Bleeding!) from Pam and Nia. I nearly cried, I was so surprised & touched. (Go Team!)

What's up next?

TAHOE!! Our post-chemo vacation. I. Can't. Wait. Last time we were in Tahoe was to celebrate my birthday just before I was diagnosed. Later that month I began chemo. So in a way, this is full circle. Only that time we played in the snow. This time will be all about the lake! I splurged and bought a couple new swimsuits. I've been holding back on buying bras and swimsuits since my chest will be dramatically changing in the coming months, but I can't keep living on hold.

(Photo credits: J.Crew)

In addition to not living on hold, I recently found out that Nordstrom sells breast prosthesis (prosthesi?) and they sew pockets into bras and swimsuits. Right on! This is a huge relief to me because I am thinking more and more that I'm not going to do reconstructive surgery. At least not right away. But I also am not ready to be out in the world with one boob on and one boob off. (Being "Chemo Girl" out in the world day in and day out is hard enough!)

So finding a company that does prosthesi and pockets in cute bras and swimsuits is a huge relief to me. Only my dear ones (and you!) need know my little secret. :)

So, this brings us to Cancer Treatment Part 2: Surgery.

I'm planning a single mastectomy. I have a call with my surgeon today to discuss scheduling. Then, in the coming weeks, I'll have blood work done, another MRI, a consultation with the surgeon, and another dose of Herceptin. (Herceptin? your thinking, I thought you were done with chemo?! Isn't this the point of this blog post?! Yes, I am done with the heavy duty chemo, the kind that gives me awful side-effects. But because the tumor is Her2+, I'll keep on with the Herceptin for a full year. Herceptin targets a specific protein in the tumor (both the one we know about in my breast, and any microscopic bits that might be floating around blood stream). That means every 3 weeks I'll go to the Chemo Lounge for an hour dose, until April.)

Anyway, back to the surgery: It's coming up in the next 6 weeks. I don't know yet what to expect in terms of how long I'll be in the hospital, or what recovery will be like. These next couple of weeks will be quite the education process, I'm sure. Then Tahoe to un-wind and gear up for Phase 2.

Keep on truckin'.

 

Team April: Santa Cruz Relay for Life 2012

Today was the American Cancer Society's Santa Cruz Relay for Life at Cabrillo College. My support & caregiver team turned out to support me and it was a wonderful -- tear & laughter filled -- morning. I had no idea what to expect, but am so glad we participated. In a lovely surprise, I was able to release a dove in memory of my grandmother, Evelyn Johnson, who succumbed to her battle with breast cancer in the mid-90s. That dove also flew in honor of me, and in the hope that Nia never has to face this disease herself.

(Team April!)

(My Caregiver Team)

(Bald family. You can really tell I'm loosing my eyebrows!)

 

 

Santa Cruz Relay for Life: July 14

In two weeks, I'm planning to participate in The American Cancer Society's "Relay for Life" event at Cabrillo College. It is a 24-hour fundraising event, with teams of people taking turns walking the college track from the morning of July 14 to the morning of July 15 ("because cancer doesn't sleep.")

Assuming I feel up for it, I'm going to walk the first lap at 10a, which is the Survivors Lap. And then Joe & Nia will walk the second lap, the Caregivers Lap. (Kind of tears me up even to imagine!)

My oncology team will be there, too, doing a lap.

It sounds like there will be tons of stuff to do at the event, of course, all designed to raise money toward fighting cancer.

Come out with us if you are inspired! You can join a fundraising team and walk, too, or you can simply watch, or you can participate in the booths and fun activities going on.

Photo credit: American Cancer Society

Team April: Representing Large!

Team April is spreading, not only across the country, but across sports and species!

Last weekend a team of dressage riders -- whom I don't even know personally, all the way across the country in Maryland! -- wore my name in the PVDA Ride for Life, benefiting the John Hopkins Breast Cancer Center. The team was headed up by Cherie Chauvin and her handsome boy Katchi of Golightly Sport Horses. Cherie heard about me & my cancer slaying from our mutual friend, Sylvia -- Sylvia who is Cherie's friend from college and my friend from junior high. Cherie put the team together, and all four riders wore my name as they rode and competed. Amazing!

Cherie has more pictures and some really fun videos on her blog, here.

Meanwhile the President of Team April, Joe (who doesn't get nearly enough play on the blog but is always, always here for me in so many different ways!) sent me some great video clips to keep me in the warrior spirit going into FEC-H.

I especially like this one from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: badass Michelle Yeoh with her multitude of weapons is my chemo: so many weapons/drugs in my body right now: 5 FU + Cytoxin + Epirubison + 3x my regular dose of Herceptin (not to mention all the pre-meds and post-meds). So many weapons to fight this one tricky cancer!

 

Thank you to everyone who continues to hold me and my family in the light. Thank you for the oodles of dinners and fresh eggs that continue to grace our threshold and for all the nourishing play dates for Nia! Really, really couldn't do this without my team of support! xoxo

Bored of Cancer. Yeah, I Said It.

I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but somewhere along the way I got fed up.

I got sick of being sick.

I got bored of the cancer gig. 

The novelty wore off and I was left just feeling bald and lonely. And icky. And ever so BORED. 

So I become complacent. Without even realizing it, I stopped washing my hands a million times a day. I finished Nia's half eaten whatevers now and then. I thought about heating up some marrow broth and then opted for something else instead. I went to a couple of "things" involving groups of people. I had a few sweets (including a Aprium Sorbet from Penny Ice which I refuse to regret). 

I didn't out right fall off the cancer-fighting-wagon, but I was definitely flirting with the ground below, maybe even running beside the wagon with just my hands touching, chatting up passengers in other cars. Maybe once or twice I only had a fingertip touching. Look, I'm still holding on. No, really, I am being safe!

Sure, fighting cancer sounds really hot and in-the-trenches and gettin' down to the nitty gritty. But in reality it is pretty tedious.

It is a lot of frustration, mixed with some heaping spoonfuls of depression, peppered with kindess from friends and family here and there, and generously coated with a heavy icing of fatigue. Some days are about planning play dates so that naps can happen. Other days are about executing said naps. And that's. About. It. Wash, rince, repeat.

So somewhere along the way I got tired of it. I wanted to be pre-cancer April. I wanted to do stuff with my kid and enjoy this blossoming summer. I wanted to eat whatever I wanted. I wanted to -- oh my god, the horrors! -- stay awake from 2:30 and 5:30 in the afternoon. 

And then I got sick. 

Yes, I'm already cancer sick. No, this was run-of-the-mill sick. Although fighting a cold without an intact immune system is rough.

It crept over me slowly on Sunday and by Monday I was feeling pretty bad. Lots of body aches, congestion, coughing. Then there were the tears that just came out of nowhere: Tears over who should pick up Nia from Farm Camp, tears about being tired, tears about my fingers hurting. Tears because there were tears and those first tears were pointless, useless, irritating. 

So last night, around 1a when I was fighting sleep, Joe intervened and gave me a pep talk. He lifted me back up on the wagon and fastened my safety belt. Told me to keep my hands and feet inside the ride at all times. And as I lay there coughing, I knew he was right. I'd been slacking and now I was paying for it. 

Today is my 12th infusion of Taxol. In other words: My LAST TAXOL! Twelve long weeks, but the fight continues. Next Wednesday I'll begin the new chemo cocktail: FEC-H. I need to be strong and ready for it, because by all accounts it'll be harder than the Taxol. 

So, I'm sipping my broth from the front seat of the wagon -- looking forward. Not back, not down. Forward. 

And I'm taking some strength and fighting spirit from Team April. If they can keep on supporting me with extraordinary feats of time, courage & generosity, surely I can keep up my end of the bargain and keep my body in fighting condition so the chemo can really do its job, right? Sheesh,  use your grey matter, April.

This photo came over the weekend from Joe's cousin Allie, who wrote: My Starbucks store volunteered at the Chico, Relay for Life. You were my cause this year! And my friends Laura and Christine were also cheering for you today! You are my inspiration to be an amazing human being, and mother. You are beautiful inside and out.

:) Thank you, Allie!

And so in this war against the cancer, it's time to stop talking like a General and actually go be one (thanks, Buffy). 

Bring on Phase 2! Grrr. Rwarrr! 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go soak my fingers and toes in frozen peas while I absorb my last bag of Taxol. 

Geez, you're in a bitchy mood today. Are you on the rag? No, I'm on the bag...

 

Team April: The No-More-Sad-Saturdays Project

Riding a bike with no hair on a foggy morning is cold.

Bike helmets? Not so much in the warm and cozy department, it turns out.

But the reason I know this now is because this morning, Nia and I rolled out of bed and hopped on the bike and peddled a few streets down to our friends Meadow and Irene's house for pancakes. It was our first time on the bike together in some time, and our first time having breakfast out in awhile -- both tremendous treats.

A little ways back, I mentioned here that Saturdays are my Blue days. Blue as in big, fat I'm-tired-of-being-Cancer-Girl days. Especially now that it is June. June?! How can it be summer when just the other day it was March and I didn't have cancer...?How can it be my favorite season and I'm spending half my time in bed? I had plans for this summer. I had camping plans and Montana plans. Tahoe plans, for sure...

*sigh*

Anyway, I mentioned here that Saturdays are kind of rough for me. But I forgot that I'm not in this alone. I forgot about my awesome friends.

So on this would-be-lonely Saturday here came the check-in voice mails and texts. Here came Meadow with breakfast and tea and conversation and Play-Doh for the girls. Here came FedEx with a new book and purple gardening gloves and a mix for lemon scones from Michelle. Here was Pam to whisk my girl off to a fun event that I surely didn't have the energy for. Here was a new book for Nia, too. And here was a neighbor delivering a hot meal.

And here I am: In my teeny, tiny sunny garden with my laptop and my cat and a cup of tea, breathing in and breathing out and writing (ah, writing!)...; so maybe this isn't the summer I exactly pictured when I was making all those middle-of-winter plans, but it really could be a whole lot worse...

Ok, it doesn't get much worse than cancer.

But. I could be doing it alone and that would be MUCH, MUCH worse. Thank you, dear friends. 

 

 

Two More for Team April: How I Love These Brave Women!

My lovely sisters (in law) went short for me this week, donating their long hair to Locks of Love -- thank you, Whitney! Thank you, Bailey! It really helps having this team grow -- and spread across the country!

Whitney in Montana:

And Bailey, in Oregon, cut 10 inches!

 

Team April: Running & Cutting and Getting it Done

It turns out I get the blues on Saturdays. It's become a thing. I think it must have to do with the last of the steroids leaving my system and the fatigue returning: Suddenly I can't do a million things anymore. In fact, I can only do two or three things (one of which is nap). And it is really depressing.

But this is when friends come in handy. Even friends who are in other states.

This weekend, two more members of my team came through in a big way and made me feel like I'm not so alone in this awful nightmare:

Angela ran the Corvalis, OR Purple Ribbon Run and carried my name across the finish line. These pictures put a huge smile on my face:

Meanwhile, Michelle gathered her family and her courage & cut her long, beautiful locks. For me. That's incredible.

(I love this family & these pictures so much!)

And on Friday, the president of my fan club took me out to dinner -- our first time since the diagnosis. It was a lovely evening so we sat outside on the patio (in case of germs inside) and we didn't order any wine, but still, it was pretty great (though I'm not totally sure if wigs are for me; I felt a little like I was in disguise the whole time, hoping they wouldn't recognize me from the surveillance tape from the bank I'd just knocked over...). Either way, I kind of love this picture.

Team April: Get a Button For Your Blog

"Team April" folks: Want a button for your blog that looks like this?

My awesome cousin, Anne, just designed this for me. You can put it on your blog or website and it'll link back to my blog. That way your readers can read my blog too, and know that you are part of this awesome movement of people helping me battle this crazy disease! It's the next best thing to a T-shirt.  

See the same image of the button over on the right? There is a box below with the code you need to grab it for your own blog or web page. Enjoy!

I [Heart] Team April!

I'm not fighting this cancer alone.

Not by a long shot.

My husband deserves a medal for all he does for me (as roughly demonstrated by the Sigourney Weaver pictures and caption he sent me on Head Shaving Day, which many of you saw on Facebook). Here it is again:

"And here we have Sigourney Weaver proving that going bald can make you look
even more badass than shouldering a huge f-ing gun, and also be a major style improvement."

Joe's parents, Phil and Pam, have done so much for us from food preparation to helping interpret the bills coming in & talking to the insurance company, to watching Nia nearly daily. And my dad, George, has done the same: Helped out tremendously with Nia as well as gone to chemo with me.

There are so many of you out there who are a part of Team April. I want to take a moment to thank you and tell you honestly, it make such a difference! Some of you have been bringing amazing, nutritious meals to my family; some of you have been taking Nia out for extraordinary play dates; some of you have sent me creative gifts to make getting through chemo easier; some of you have bought and knit hats for me; some of you have actually joined me for my chemo treatments; some of you are running in fund-raising marathons for women's cancers; some of you have paid into our grocery accounts; some of you are giving me alternative treatments (acupuncture, massage, vitamins); some of you are my colleagues and are helping releave my work burdens; some of you are supporting me through your support of my blog -- thank you all for your uplifting comments. Joe and I both get a lot of strength from them. 

And some of you are going bald. I could not have anticipated how it would make me feel to see the following pictures of my brother, Kyle, last night. This simple, kind gesture made my whole day. Thank you, Kyle! <3

If others of you are inspired to shave your heads, too, please send me your pictures! Let's build a Team April gallery of shiny, healthy heads!

I [Heart] Team April! So much.