I [Heart] My Life

Be Here Now... No, Really: Right Here, Right Now.

Living in Santa Cruz, it is not unusual for me to find myself at red lights reading the bumper stickers on the Prius car in front of me. More than half the time, there is a "Be Here Now" sticker there in the mix of "Obama 2012," "Santa Cruz" mermaids, and the Dalai Lama being "stoked."

Be. Here. Now.

It's a cliche, of course. And yet it resonates with me.  (You know, post-cancer and all).

Right here. Right now.

There is another phrase I often think along with it. It's one I started saying to myself when I was in college to remind myself to stop amid the hustle and bustle of classes and working and homework to smell the roses: "This is the perfect moment."

It's New Years once again and we are all making resolutions (even if we I adamantly refuse to acknowledge them as such). It is common for mindfulness to be high on my list of New Year's... um, promises, which is maybe why I'm thinking of these two phrases more often lately.

However. (Yes, there is a however.)

However, these phrases that used to give me comfort have recently taken on a slightly morbid tinge. I find myself thinking "Be here now... because you might not be here next year."

I don't mean that I might not be here, on the planet. I mean, I might not be here, at the Christmas Parade. I might not be here, making cookies. I might not be here, ice skating.

I can't help but think it. I might not be here because I might be back on chemo. I might be recovering from surgery. I might be too fatigued from an on-going battle to be out of bed.

I'm not trying to sound self-pitying. It's just a fact: Once cancer comes knocking -- once cancer knows where you live -- it never forgets. There is no moving without a forwarding address. There is no witness protection program.

Cancer is the mob. Once it knows your name, it always knows your name. With that comes awe, in the truest sense. And fear.

And trying to enjoy every God damn moment, just in case it comes roaring back.

So you live your everyday life -- working, pre-schooling, grocery shopping, house keeping, dinner making, comforting a sick kiddo, watching Downton Abby -- but you also try really hard to be present, to be right here. To laugh, to feel the sun on your face, to feel that growing-bigger-every-day hand in yours...To push the fear aside, yes, but to also let it be a lens that focuses your every waking moment into something a little bit shiny. Something ever so extraordinary.

Nia and I went ice skating together for the first time this week and I was present -- really present -- and I enjoyed it every so much, even though I'm terrible at it, and my feet hurt, and it was freezing. All I had to do was look at my child and all that slipped away. She was loving every second and I was so happy to be there to witness that.

I don't know if we'll get to ice skate together again next New Years. I hope so. I hope it becomes a long-standing tradition. But I have no idea.

Maybe we get to do it just this one New Years.

And maybe that's ok because unlike so many other moments in this life that I participated in only in so much as I was physically there, for this moment, I was really there and now I have this memory of our first time skating together in which we were both ever so happy.

No matter what this year brings, I think that is a darn good start.

....

(Two videos of our skating adventure can be found here and here  -- the second one shows the hip hop dance classes are paying off!)

So proud... both of us!

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... this moment: Our Chicken's First Egg

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single  photo -- PLUS A VIDEO - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Inspired by SouleMama. You can play, too!

Yesterday, our 25-week-old Americana, Sweet Cicely, layed her first-ever egg. She is the first of our 3-hen flock to start laying. I'll let Nia explain: 

We are ever-so-proud of this moment!

 

In case anyone is wondering, yes, getting chickens in the midst of my health crisis this summer was one of the best decisions we made to keep life moving forward, and to bring a little distraction to our home. Chickens, in turns out, make wonderful pets! If you had the pleasure of seeing Nia carrying a chicken around the backyard, then you know how this process has enhanced my girl's life!

Our No-More-Cancer Gardens

When it comes to cancer fighting, there's the chemo, the surgery, the radiation, the diet, the nap... And now, there's the "no-more cancer garden."

We got the idea from one of the wonderful childrens books we found to help Nia deal with all of this, called The Goodbye Cancer Garden (I wrote about it here a little while back). This book struck the strongest chord with Nia and she's been talking about planting our own garden for the last two months.

The idea has many benefits: We get to watch the garden grow and flourish as I get well (and flourish!), eating the good vegetables will help me get stronger, we have something to look forward to in watching the garden grow, etc. etc.

While I won't be completely cancer-free by the time the pumpkins are ripe, I'll be closer to the finish line!

To double our luck, we planted two gardens: One at home, and one at Granddaddy's. And had fun in the process!

And after all that dirt & sun, we relaxed with these:

And this:

Zip line! Granddaddy George set one up for Nia for her birthday. Between the zip line and the rings, this is gonna be one buff 4-year-old! But it's not the first time there's been a zip line on Skyline...

 

Once more, with feeling:

 

 

Four Years, I've Loved You

Here is some cancer craziness for you: It's 2 in the morning. I'm wide awake. Earlier today I couldn't keep my eyes open. But now, when my family is fast asleep, I'm wide awake, my mind going round and round while my muscles are twitchy and my bones are achy. This sucks because tomorrow I'll be exhausted. Not only will I be exhausted but I'll get my Neupogene shot and Joe will be at work till 10p...

But in the midst of all the craziness that is cancer, my little one had a birthday. My life may feel to me like it is on hold, but hers is very much still moving forward. At lightening speed, it seems. Four years. Four amazing years.

It seemed kind of fitting that there would be an eclipse on Nia's birthday. Her birth eclipsed my life -- made it something extraordinary. Something shiny and irresistable...

Today I found myself often thinking of this quote by a woman, Elizabeth Stone: “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” It is so true. 

Happy birthday, my love.

PS. Zomina, here is a little video of Nia on her new rings. I believe this is a challenge. ;)

  

Friday Fun

I'm reposting this video from 3 1/2 years ago so I can show it to Nia -- she doesn't believe she ever sucked on her toes as a baby (which is funny because up until about 6 months ago, her teeth were her favorite tool for clipping her toenails -- ew!). Oh how I love this little Bug! Happy Friday, all!

    

The Antidote to Cancer Woes

What better way to lift the black clouds of breast cancer than a giggly 3-month-old? I interupt this week of organ scans and chemo plans to present Beatriz and Joe, sharing a laugh while some big diaper work happens. Thank you, Michelle & Baby B, for bringing us back down to earth and the stuff that really makes life grand!

 

 

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

In our little corner of the central coast of California, one sometimes has to look close to find signs of winter. Especially this winter. It's been so sunny & particularily warm this December & January. I send Nia out in seaon-appropriate clothes and she sheds the layers quickly. At night she kicks off all the covers.

But this weekend, things turned cold. Nia and I were at the farmers' market on Sunday (eating ice cream) when the wind picked up and blew in a cold blast. It chased us out and it was exciting to feel the change in the air. 

Since then, signs of Jack Frost's paint brush have been on the rooftops and cars every morning, with ice on the shallow dishes of water around. And our covers are up to our chins all night! It is a beautiful and welcome shift. 

Plus, it has had me humming this song all morning, which I love. :)

 

I checked the weather forecast and can I tell you that seeing rain in there gave me a little jolt of excitement? Rain walks, sailing boats in puddles, hot showers after playing in cold rain... Hooray! 

Welcome, Father Winter.

(Better soak up the sun today!)

Green Hour: Bay Street Creek Path

Somehow it felt like a long time since we'd played outside, so with the thin, fall sun starting to decend we decided to jump in the car and seek out a creek to wander by (and in, as some of us can't resist, even on the coldest evenings!).

And then we decided to play Pooh Sticks, which comes from The House at Pooh Corner. Winne the Pooh taught his friends to drop sticks into the river and then run to see which one emerged from under the bridge first. We tried our hand at it. It was very fun!

 

 

 

When is a Fish Like a Cricket?

Five days ago, Nia started swimming. It's been non-stop swimming since then. Or at least it seems that way. Here is a video of Nia swimming and her thoughts on the whole, wonderful new adventure. (Tip: Sometimes it takes a video a little while to load, which can cause pauses when you are watching it. I've learned that if you press play and then immediately pause it for a few seconds, it gives the video some time to load so that you can watch it uninterrupted -- and you want to be able to really enjoy this one. Just sayin'.)

 

Big Steps... Er, Big Strokes

Today, Nia blew me away. 

I know, sometimes it gets old reading blogs and Facebook posts from parents who are "so proud" of their children for their various persuits and for the most part, I've resisted gushing in this way (online, at least).

But I have to tell you, today Nia really made me proud.  

Here's the thing: Nia had her first swimming lesson today without me in the water. I know, lots of kids are already doing this. But see, my kid wasn't. We just completed a two-month series of "Mommy & Me" type swimming lessons, which was our first ever experience with formal lessons. In this class, there were many kid-parent couples and one teacher, a man. For the most part, every time the teacher would come over to Nia and I, she would turn away from him and try to climb me to get away from him. She did not like to be touched by him and would pretend he wasn't there when he cheerfuly said, "Nia! Show me your bubbles!" Sometimes instead of ignoring him, she'd reply, "No thank you." 

Meanwhile, babies in this same class would be dunking under water and going easily to the teacher's arms. Had we missed the swimming lessons window?

In retrospect, this Mommy & Me swimming class did a lot for Nia's confidence in the water. We had a lot of fun in the water together, too. But mostly it seemed we were just playing and avoiding the teacher. 

So, when Jackson's dad, Jeremy, told me he was signing Jackson up for the next level of classes (without parents), I knew I wanted Nia to do it, but was also scared to death. Would she cry? Would she try to climb out of the pool? Would she look at me with shock and betrayal as I passed her off to the teacher? 

Happily, no. 

When the teacher -- this time a woman -- called Nia's name to signal the start of class, Nia was eager and excited. She sat on the steps with Jackson and introduced herself to the teacher. And from then on, each time the teacher asked for a volunteer to go first, Nia was ready with a loud, "I will!"

She held her breath and went under the water. She put her face in the water and kicked. She jumped off the side of the pool and went completely under. 

All amazing feats. Seriously. 

I sat on the side of the pool with a big, fat grin on my face. That's my girl!

 I think we both did some growing up today.

Nia on "swimming lessons" later at home: