I [Heart] My Life

Where I've Been...

I can't believe a month has passed since I last wrote here.

I didn't mean for so much time to pass. In case anyone was worried -- don't be. I'm fine.

In fact, part of the reason I haven't been round here much lately is because I'm doing so well!

First and foremost, I passed a significant milestone: Aug. 8 marked one year since I finished the Taxol & FEC chemo treatments. When I had the mastectomy 6 weeks later, there was no evidence of cancer found. A 7cm lump vanished! And so I count that last big chemo treatment has my no-more-cancerversary. (Note, I did continue the Herceptin for 8 more months after that -- and I'm only now realizing that those 8 months were nothing to sneeze at!)

As many of you know, I worked the whole time I was in cancer treatment (to varying degrees) at my work-from-home job as a conference producer. It is only now that I am feeling better that I am able to see how diminished I truly was! 

I plan to go more into my thoughts re working during treatments but now that I'm feeling good -- primarily, like I have control of my brain again! -- there has been a lot of catching up to do! Last week I traveled to my first post-cancer conference -- man, was it good to be back! This was my first time traveling without my little entourage, too: Joe & Nia stayed behind. It was wonderful to be there fully immersed in my work (and not torn by parenting concerns or distracted by feeling sick). It felt so... normal.

Another reason I have been away from the blog is that I've been busy tackling some of the lingering effects of the chemo, namely the chemo-induced hopefully temporary menopause. I plan to write about this soon, but it is extremely personal and while I haven't shyed away from personal topics (remember this?), I'm finding this one to be hard to write about. But I have been sitting down with pen and paper and working it out. After all, it is via writing that I do much of my processing...

And finally, we've been busy enjoying the last days of summer before school begins. Nia heads off to Kindergarten on the 4th of September... and she is very excited (phew!). More to come on this as we embark on a new chapter in our lives.

All in all, life is really full and busy and wonderful! I'll be back soon with a full-fledged post. Thank you all for your inquires and support. As always I am so thankful!

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Here at my house I have a teeny, tiny home office. I do mean tiny. My desk measures 31" across.

But it works for me and I kind of love my little cubby.

However, back in March when I was diagnosed, my 31 inches quickly became buried in cancer-related paperwork.

Tons of paperwork.

On the desk.

On the chair.

On the bed that occupies the other 3/4ths of this room.

This former tiny haven of mine became Ground Zero almost over night. The calendar stayed frozen on the March page. My voice mail light blinked continuously: 21 messages accumulated. Nia aged way beyond the pictures of her on the walls in this room...

But today I took my office back.

You see, I'm officially done with chemo. I can't say it enough. This is officially the longest I've gone without a treatment since March and I feel GREAT! I have energy, I have focus, I have drive! Today I took back my office and actually did work at my desk.

I flipped my calendar to September (6 months!). I collected those voice mails. I sorted through 245 un-read emails and made a to-do list that I feel can actually be accomplished (granted, these emails had only accumulated since the day I left for Tahoe last week, but still, I deserve a gold star for tackling them all in one go!). I picked up the phone and made a couple of work-related calls. I paid bills, dammit. I was on fire!

And then 2p rolled around & it was time to pick up Nia from school.

Let me repeat that: Time. To. Pick. Up. Nia. From. School.

See that's another thing that changed during these last six months: My little one grew up and became school-age. So off she went this morning to preschool, scared but excited, too (just like her mama):

And then I collected her and we walked to the grocery store and cooked a celebration meal together. (See? I wasn't joking about this pre-cancer-like surge of energy!)

Nia chose the menu and helped to make everything: Broccoli & Cheddar Soup with Salad & Bread, Strawberry Shortcake with Whipped Cream, and Sparkling Apple Cider.

Hooray for family milestones big (hers) and small (mine)!

 

Working With Cancer

There was a time when math was one of the only things that could shut off the anxiety in my mind and take all my concentration. It was the fall of 1994. On a sunny, warm evening in September I was in a car crash that left my body virtually unscathed but emotionally totaled me. I was a student at West Valley College then and dropped all my classes except for the math class, which was a surprise because before the accident I was terrible at math. And now, again, I'm terrible at math. But during that window of time when time stopped and I was trying to get over the accident -- at that time, math was my savior. I liked that there was a definite answer. The numbers were calming.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I wondered if I'd find the same kind of solace in my work as a conference producer. In some ways I have, but it is different now. Now I find distraction and solace in my conversations with friends, in Joe's embrace, and loosing myself in play with Nia. It nags at the back of my mind that I want to spend my time with these people whom I love, and who love me. I don't want to look back and wish I'd been more present.

But sometimes, knocking things off a to-do list, or cleaning a messy bookshelf can be very therapeutic. I can't sit around all the time. Sometimes the compulsion to make something tidy is overwhelming. Yesterday I tackled Nia's art shelf in the kitchen and it was both relaxing and restorative. I took it slow. Listened to the radio. And selected with care each item that went back on the self. Once neat, my mind felt more orderly, too.

Work is often that way for me, too. Though "chemo brain" and the fog caused by some of the anti-nausea meds make work challenging at times. So I've been taking it slow. I'm still working, but there are days when I don't make it to the laptop. My out-of-office email responder mentions that I'm busy fighting cancer, and when I invite people to speak at my conferences, I mention the cancer. It is a little weird mixing the personal with the professional, but the last thing I want is for clients to think I'm just flaky when I don't return an email for 5 days. And for the most part all of them have been very understanding that I'm multi-tasking.

My bosses have been unbelievably supportive and my colleagues are the best I could hope for in a time like this. Besides being understanding and available to take up my tasks if I can't do them, many of them are also participating in a fund-raising run for women's cancers (I have my colleagues in New York, a friend in Oregon, and a friend in Sacramento all carrying my name over finish lines this spring -- how awesome is that?!).

I'm writing this post because many of you have asked if I'm still working through my Cancer Year. I am, but as you can see, it is very much on my own terms. I work when I can, and don't when I can't. My laptop travels around the house with me. Sometimes I'm on the couch, sometimes at the kitchen counter, other times I'm lying in bed. My little home office is frozen in time: the calendar still shows March (and probably will all year); I haven't worked at my desk since March 12th, when I was diagnosed... But this feels right: to work a little here and there. I have absolutely no work-related stress eating up my precious white blood cells!

And it feels really good to know that when this is all behind me and I'm cancer-free, I'll have my conference schedule and a team in New York waiting to welcome me back to full-time. (Thank you, guys, with all my heart!)

Working From Home

I'm coming up on my work-from-home anniversary. January will mark 2 years that I've been working part-time as a conference producer for a company based in New York (and Oct. 31 was my 10 year anniversary doing this kind of work... How is it possible that I'm old enough to have been doing anything for 10 consecutive years?!). 

Working from home (and working part time) has been the best option for Joe & I when it comes to juggling motherhood and my professional career. Every morning I'm able to wake up and spend a few hours with Nia before I grab my cup of tea and my cell phone and end to "the office." Then she's with Joe most of the time, and with Pam a couple hours a week. And when I wrap up, Joe & I do a switcharoo and he's off to work. I feel so lucky that this arrangement continues to work for everyone. Though, now that her friends are mostly all in preschool, Nia has been asking when she'll be old enough for school. (For now, we're holding firm at 4 1/2.)

Working in the house has many perks -- I'm here if Nia or Joe absolutely need me, I haven't missed many milestones, I never feel road rage because traffic is keeping me from my family, etc. The downside is the same as the up-side: Nia knows where I am. I think this is comforting to both of us, but as she gets older, she has started just showing up in my office. She wishes she could work too. And sometimes she can, but sometimes I really can't afford the distraction. 

The good thing about working from home is that when those distractions happen, I can usually make up the work after Nia's gone to bed. This means many late nights with my laptop when I'd rather be curled up sleeping or watching a movie with Joe, but so be it. I know I'm very, very lucky to be here than 8, 9, 10 hours in an office somewhere else...

Sometimes I do work 12, 13-hour days. Those are the conference days. So far, Joe and Nia have travelled to each and every one of my events since 2009. I'm very lucky, indeed.

(Nia hard at work.)

The Work-From-Home Adventure Begins

Today, instead of returning to Financial Research Associates as originally planned, I kicked-off a new era as a WAHM (work-at-home mom). Well, technically, I'm a Looking For Work WAHM at the moment. But still, Joe got up this morning and took charge of Nia for a couple of hours while I picked up my laptop and headed into the "office." (Hopefully it'll soon cease being the Storage Room / "Office" and become the full-time Office...).

I had some trepedation about how the working would go, but I'm happy to say it went well. I enjoyed having the time carved out to write emails, apply for positions, update my resume, etc without either keeping one eye or one ear on Nia. (I did have to turn on a CD to keep from eavesdropping on Joe's time with her, though.)

I'm currently looking for freelance conference producing positions, but am also exploring writing & photography opportunities as well as some birth work. Basically, I'll do anything that brings in a little cash so long as I can do it from my 30" corner in the Storage Room Office!

I'll keep you posted...